♥ Tuesday Weigh-in: 192.8 ♥

I hate pictures. Not all pictures, just pictures of me. They’re misleading and I avoid them when I can. I didn’t always, mostly just since I put on weight. The thing is, I can convince myself I look better. That I feel so much better. That my outsides match my insides. It even works when I look in the mirror. But when I see a picture of me…all that great self-talk just flies right out the window.

Here’s an example:

This is a picture of me with three of my friends. It was taken about a week before I started The Program.

This is a picture of the same three friends that I took last Saturday. Aren’t they gorgeous? They’re nice, too. And smart. And funny. Kind, generous, fabulous women, every one. But I don’t want to stand next to any of them in a picture, the skinny people.  *

Now, here are two pictures of me from the same day:

I know I look better than I used to, but I still just see ugh. Even when presented with concrete evidence.

In a picture of the four of us, I will always be the fat one. And just looking at the picture, it stops mattering that I’m also smart and funny and kind. It only matters that I’m the fat one. I know that’s not true. I know that’s not how people who know me think of me when they look at a picture of the four of us. But for the moment I’m looking at it, that’s how I think of me and I don’t know how to change that part. The part that looks at me and says, “You’re still not okay.”

I can’t keep running from pictures. I don’t even really want to because I want the visual memories. I want the tangible evidence that I was there and I was a part of things. But I also want to look at the pictures and know in my heart that I belong there. That I’m not messing up the visual aesthetic. I don’t know how to get there, so I guess I’ll just have to believe that, if I keep working at it, one day I will.

Thanks for the support. And big hugs and thanks to the ladies for letting me post your picture.

*Edited because I remembered my nieces read this blog, though I know they haven’t yet today because their internet is out. I want to say something to them that I forgot to put above: You three girls are beautiful. Just the way you are, you are gorgeous. Please don’t ever listen to anyone who tries to tell you any different. Remember that, when people say such things, it’s not about you. It’s about them and their issues. Whether it’s a friend saying it or Grandma or Mom or Dad or even Aunt Michelle. It’s about them. You are beautiful.