♣ Tuesday weigh-in: 209.8 pounds ♣

First off, a little about Japan. My heart bleeds for what the people (and animals) there are going through. Utterly devastating, but what a resilient people. I’m in awe of the order and resolve with which they are facing the situation and the compassion they seem to be showing each other. I wish them a speedy and full recovery.

A close friend of ours, the lovely and talented Mimzilla, is Japanese. She’s lived in the US since she was 15, but her family (excluding her marvelous American husband and their fabulous daughter) is still in Japan. They’re okay. Shaken, but okay. After the earthquake and tsunami, Mimzilla wrote on her blog about what it’s like to be bicultural, and far away from loved ones, at a time like this. It’s incredibly moving and you can read it here. She is the artistic director at a local theater and they’re planning a benefit concert for Japan. Let me know if you’re interested and I’ll keep you posted.

And now that I’ve shown the ability to think about others, however fleetingly, I’m going back to thinking about me. I’ve been in a bit of a tailspin, which you know if you read my last post. I’m pulling out of it, but it’s taking a lot more effort than I’d anticipated. I’m lucky to have wonderful friends, many of whom offered me encouragement here or via email, for which I’m very grateful. Three of those friends – Cookie, BC Maven, and Marathon Girl – offered to watch the boys while I saw a therapist. Cookie even went so far as to find me a therapist to see. You guys ROCK. Every last one of you!

So I’ve been seeing this therapist, Heidi, for a little over a month now. She’s not the first therapist I’ve been to, but I think she may be the best. For me, anyway. I had coping mechanisms I’ve used for years, but they’re not working anymore and Heidi’s helping me figure out how to deal with that. She has introduced me to the concept of self compassion, which I’m trying to embrace. We’re addressing issues I didn’t even know I had like attachment, trust, and that ugly evil bastard shame. Okay, well, maybe I realized the shame part, but the others were definitely revelatory. I’m sure I’ll blog about them in the future, but for now I just want to throw them out there. I also wrote “purpose vs. function” in my notebook, but now I can’t remember exactly why. I think it had to do with my inability to allow myself to get a babysitter unless I have a specific purpose for the time, like a doctor’s appointment or a parent-teacher conference. Something about me being worthy of the free time facilitated by the sitter – that it could (and sometimes should) serve no other purpose beyond allowing me time to recharge. It would be functional in that way without having a specific purpose…or something.

Right now I’m working on compiling a list of things to do to make me feel more in control of my life. One of them will be to blog more – right now I’m shooting for every Tuesday. I’ve gained 30 pounds since December. Strategies to lose that are also on my list, including posting my weight at the top of each blog.

And self compassion. I’ve got to work that in, too. Wish me luck.