I hesitated to post this because I don’t want to cause anyone stress worrying about me. I decided to go ahead with it because of something I learned last week: I need to hold you all capable of managing your own feelings and responses.
Since my head has learned that, but not yet communicated it to my heart, I’ll add that I’m okay, really. I will be, anyway. So, here goes:
- My outsides now mirror my emotional state. I’ve gained 65 pounds in the last 10 months. None of my clothes fit. There are huge dark circles under my eyes. My skin looks like I’m 15 only with an aging disease (I have wrinkles and acne). My hair looks like there are several birds living in there. Big ones.
- My car, house, and backyard look kind of like my hair. Or like something exploded inside them. Something filled with toys and graham crackers. A five year old chastised me today for never cleaning my car.
- Should is a bad, bad word. Okay, I knew that one already, but it hit home again.
- My thyroid levels are within normal limits. I thought they were probably low, so I had my doctor check them last night, but it turns out my thyroid is functioning fine. Good to know.
- I’m a lot more depressed than I thought (That’s really the root, isn’t it? Maybe I should have led with that). In discussing adjusting my antidepressant medication with my doctor, I realized I should have done that a while ago. She and I were both surprised by my score on the depression questionnaire she administered. She is starting by increasing my dosage and I’m supposed to check in with her next week – for side-effects only because antidepressants take a few weeks to show effects. She also said that my #1 priority is to regulate my sleep, so I’m going to go do that right now. At 8:30pm. I’m very compliant and I really should have done this several months ago.
I’ll check in with you all next week, too.
Many hugs and FGBVs for you. Depression just sucks. It seems to suck every aspect of your life down into this hole and mess with it. Things that help: first, be kind to yourself. Praise yourself for even the smallest accomplishment, particularly when that evil, nasty voice in your head is telling you how old/fat/slovenly/whatever you are. Take one or two very short walks each day. Like down to the mailbox. Or to the corner. Ignore the voice that says you should go farther. You can do farther another day. Hardest of all, ask for some help from friends, online community, family. Say, I need a hug. Hang in there!
I love you, warts and all (hmmm. . . . . . you said nothing about warts). I am so glad you put this out in the universe. It makes it real. Once it is real, it can be managed. Sleep and look for peace – it will come to you.
Amazing and alarming how quickly those things build up, isn’t it babe? Hugs and love and healing sleep and softest sparkly FGBVs to you!
What they said. More of us have been where you than you could possibly imagine.
Julie