Trigger Warning: Brief discussion of violence.

I’ve started this at least 20 times since the horrific events at Sandy Hook Elementary School on December 17th. Each time I dance around what I actually want to say and then fly off on a tangential rant. Don’t get me wrong; the rants are all relevant. They’re about guns or mental health services or profiling or autism. I believe everything I’ve said in each one and I will post them here, but I need to acknowledge that they also represent me wandering away from my horror at the senseless tragedy into areas where I’m much more comfortable expressing my emotions.

Because I have a six-year-old son who started kindergarten in public school this year. When I think about those scared little kids at Sandy Hook, those terrified little babies, I freeze up inside. I can feel the heat rising from the pit of my stomach, but I take my feet and stomp it back down until it’s molded into the lining. I simply cannot allow it to rise because it will thaw my emotions and all of the ‘what ifs’ will come flooding in with the rising tide. Maybe I’ll eventually be able to handle it, but at this point in my life I have no doubt that I will drown in those emotional waters.

So, for now, I will stick to making rational arguments about guns and mental health services and profiling and autism. I’ll post them here and you all can say whatever you want in the comments, provided you say it respectfully. I encourage a good, well-thought-out argument, but I’ve seen enough dismissal for a lifetime. Enough stubbornness and misplaced avarice. Trolls beware; I am in no mood to be trifled with.

For today, I will leave you with this article naming each of the dead in the December rampage. I wish peace and healing for each of their families and loved ones. I have no idea how to achieve it, but I’m wishing it so hard I can feel it vibrating out from the tips of my fingers.