Sparky and I took a trip to Hapuna Beach on the big island of Hawaii several years ago. When we got there, they told us they were overbooked for our room type, so they upgraded us to an ocean view room. We spent every morning sitting on our balcony eating bagels with guava jelly and sipping passion fruit juice as we gazed out at the ocean. We left the patio doors open at night, falling asleep to the sound of crashing waves. We went looking for gorgeous waterfalls and we tried our hand at parasailing. We found amazing restaurants with food that was divine. I sat poolside, sipping iced tea with real pineapple, as I read the latest Jennifer Crusie novel (it was Bet Me, my favorite). Heaven. Best trip I’ve ever taken.
Except for Tuesday. My heart still races at the memory of that Tuesday. The waves were high enough that the hotel shut down equipment rentals and issued a wave warning. Not surprising as it was February (which may be part of what brought it to mind today), but a disappointment nonetheless because I wanted to teach Sparky to boogie board. Plenty of people were out in the water, though, so we decided to wade out with them. Without fins. Stupid, I know.
So we wade out with the other people and stand there letting the waves hit us and it was fine. For a while. But the waves took us further and further out and got higher and higher and came faster and faster. I tried to walk closer to the shore, but couldn’t get my footing in the soft, soft sand. I needed the fins. With them, I would have been able to dive under the waves and swim to shore. If I dove under without them, I was afraid I would never resurface. Soon I was gasping for breath, the unrelenting waves offering no chance to fill my lungs. Sparky was just a few feet away, but I couldn’t find enough air to call out for help and I knew I was going to die.
The woman on the other side of me happened to glance over at me just then. “Are you okay?” she asked. I shook my head, the most I could manage, and she grabbed my arm. Turns out she was a lifeguard from San Diego. Had she not been there that day, I wouldn’t be writing this blog now. She talked me through getting my footing and helped me walk to shore, where I collapsed onto a lounge chair. Even once my feet were firmly planted on dry land, it still took a full 10 minutes to recover my breath.
Ever since my surgery, I can’t seem to get back to the rhythm of my life. I thought I would be running by now, but I’m still limping along. I’m stressed over the kids, our schedule, my weight. I can’t seem to reign in my eating and I’m seeing the effects. I’m pushing 200 again and have had to buy some jeans that are a size up from what I’ve been wearing. I don’t want to do this. I’m out of control. I know that the solution the Program would throw at me is to talk to my counselor and I’m afraid I might slap the messenger of that little gem. I’ve added three chiropractic sessions a week to my schedule without removing anything, so when exactly am I supposed to fit in a visit to the counselor? And how exactly will that juggling reduce my stress?
I don’t want any of you to worry about me because I’m okay. Actually, I take that back. Worry about me if you want to, I have no way (or right) to control how you feel. It’s habit for me to try and I should let it go. Look at me freeing up my schedule! Go me!
I won’t dump all the particulars on you, but will tell you some of the things that have been going on. Since December, BamBam has been staying up until 10 or 11pm each night. Oh, we put him to bed at 7:30, but then he roams around his room emptying his drawers for another three hours. Luckily he can’t turn the doorknob to get out of his room, so we don’t have to deal with putting him back in there. The lack of sleep made him pretty grumpy during the day, though. We’ve tried various things to help him sleep, but the thing that did the trick was the stomach flu that BeBop brought home to all of us last week. Didn’t improve BamBam’s mood any, but it got him to sleep a lot more.
We were able to schedule an autism evaluation for BamBam. It was last Wednesday and we won’t get the results until the 15th…I’m sure you can see that I’m handling the wait really well. Oh, and I did pull him out of the horrible education therapy and increase his speech therapy to every week.
Last week I found out that BeBop’s beloved occupational therapist is leaving the practice. She’s going to do things on her bucket list, so I can’t fault her for that, but I’m sure BeBop will feel lost without her. I know I will. She is planning to contract with them when she comes back in a few months, so he will be able to get a spot with her, but still. It’s a blow.
I haven’t written in months and it’s making my skin itch. I have a great idea and a soundtrack set up, but I can’t seem to find the time, or the mood, to get started on the writing. I haven’t even written a blog post since early December. I haven’t even summed up my progress on the List yet. I may be hesitating on that one because of the weight thing. At this moment, there is a half hour left of designated nap time (play time in his room for BeBop). They’re both screaming at me to let them come out and I want to cry.
Today I realized it’s like being back on that beach. I can’t get my footing or my breath. I keep thinking I’ll get it under control soon. If I can just get through this week, get past that appointment, finish the other commitment. But then another wave comes and I don’t get my breath. People keep asking if I’m okay, but I can’t seem to shake my head. I know they want to help, but I can’t make myself grab an arm. What I need are some fins.
And now I’m wondering how long it will take to get my breath back once I’m on solid ground.
Oh i wish I was your lifeguard and could reach out my arm for you. I’m in Eugene, which is close, but not exactly around the corner either.
It sounds like having your swim fins would really be a great thing too. I don’t have any assvice to offer in helping you find them, only virtual support. We’ve been going through some shit lately as well, and it is just like having your feet knocked out from under.
Deep breathing, and being aware of every moment is often as helpful as anything else.
I’m glad you wrote this. I don’t have anything wise to offer but I know that feeling in my own ways. I think it helps to put it out there. It makes people who care about you be aware and helps you to organize the stress somehow. Grab Rob’s arm and make him walk you to shore. We’re here for you.
So much empathy for what you’ve got going on. If your being willing to write about it isn’t an invitation to the people who care about you to help set some planks under your feet, I don’t know what is. But don’t sell short the fact that your life is, in fact, genuinely hard right now. Do you let yourself really understand that instead of just telling yourself you should be able to handle it better? More later by e-mail. Meanwhile, whichever way you turn, step, or reach, you will find one of us trying to help, or at least to be with you in saying, “oh shit, you’re right, there really ISN’T anything to stand on here.” And yet somehow, we tend to hold on until there is.
You are loved beyond measure. We are going to get you out of the house more. While this stage in your life is all consuming, do not allow it to consume you. While it’s not your style to ask for help….get over it. As k for help…you are loved beyond measure, you are not alone, but you have to ask for help.
xoxo,
cookie
Thanks everybody! You have no idea how much I wanted to take this post down immediately after I put it up. I’m glad I didn’t, though. Part of the problem with asking for help is that I have no idea what to ask for. I can’t think of anything that would really help. Writing the post did, though, because I feel a little lighter today.
Jenn, you show how well you know me with that comment. Of course I don’t consider the fact that my life might actually be genuinely hard right now. It all still just feels like whining to me. It’s helping me a lot to visualize you standing next to me on a cliff saying, “Dude, it’s like sheer drop off here!” I don’t know why you’re a surfer in my visualization, but I’m just going with it.
You must have uncovered my secret stash of puka shell necklaces…
Michelle,
I feel like I’m drowning lately too, but I don’t have as much going on as you do. Anyway, that’s why I hadn’t read this post until now. I’m sorry. I wish I could help you make things better. I’m putting on all the weight I lost too, so I totally get that part. I’m sorry you are having to go through so much with the boys and I hope everything will work out perfectly- you deserve it.
Great big hugs,
Kim xoxo
Hugs, Kim. You are awesome and I hope you get your footing soon.