Went to see the sensory friendly showing of Inside Out on Saturday. One minute I was laughing hysterically at this clown bit and the next I was crying uncontrollably. Over nothing in particular. Ever since then, I’ve been choked up. All. The. Time. Seriously, every single minute.
I’m a walking exposed nerve.
Every time I speak, there’s a good chance I will burst into tears. I can feel them in my throat. I don’t even have to actually speak out loud – sometimes I just thinking and BOOM!
Some of it is about Book Club Maven, or some altercation between Annie and the boys, but a significant amount is over nothing.
Well, not nothing*, but anything that’s remotely touching. Or righteous, especially if it’s overdue. Not a good weekend to learn about federal gay marriage. I cried three times just writing that sentence.
*Not long after I wrote this, I was driving the boys somewhere and started crying at the song on the radio. It was Twist and Shout. I’m officially crying over nothing.
I hate this. Not the crying itself, but not being able to control it.
Last night, Sparky and I watched the episode of The West Wing where they nominate Mendoza for the Supreme Court. We were half-way through when I realized the foolishness of watching anything Sorkin in my emotional state. Particularly Sorkin where Rob Lowe pontificates about the right to privacy. Two words: Water. Works.
I paused the television and remarked to Sparky on my ill-fated show choice. He offered to stop and watch something else, but it wouldn’t have made a difference at that point. The idea of what was coming had left the station and there was no way to stop that train. It was going to happen either way, so I might as well enjoy the beautifully crafted speeches, right?
Sparky also told me it was okay to cry – especially at home with just my hubby and dog to notice. That’s when it occurred to me that I’m not embarrassed. I mean, I was pretty embarrassed at the movies on Saturday, but embarrassment is not why I hate feeling this way. Has nothing to do with it, really.
After all, I throw my uncensored thought up here all the time for anyone to read. Embarrassment is essentially a speck in my rear view mirror.
I hate the feeling of being defenseless against my own emotions.
I have defense mechanisms, humor first and foremost, that work exceptionally well for me. I’m like Wonder Woman and humor is my golden bracelet. I’m really more a Marvel girl, but WW seems like the best analogy here. Anyway, I was okay with taking the bracelet off to cry for BCM last week, but now it’s like I can’t find it, no matter how hard I look, and I’m under constant attack.
I’m used to being strong and in control, but now it’s like all of my defenses have shorted out and I don’t know when, or if, they are coming back online.
I need to pull myself together, but I don’t have a clue where to start. I’m venting, not asking for help. But, because I love the irony, I’d like to recognize that BCM would be the first person to read this post and tell me exactly where to look for that damn bracelet.
Hugs. I’m also a Marvel girl who loves Wonder Woman, fyi. And it is perfectly honorable to cry. We have feelings. We get overwhelmed from pushing them down and doing the mom thing. Love.
We were at the marital therapist Tues night, had been planning to see a movie after. He’s suggesting Inside Out to all his clients, so we saw that. I was already feeling sad from therapy, so then I cried and cried throughout the movie. And cried some more at home. Went on and on. It just loosened something right up.
So I totally know what you mean. When Sadness sits down and shows empathy to the imaginary friend–omfg. Such a beautiful moment. Kill me now.
In therapy I often laugh, and the therapist says: “What would you do right now, if you didn’t laugh.” Of course the answer is usually cry. Yes, laughter is a BIG coping mechanism for me.
Your emotions are yours and are perfectly valid, whatever they are. I know you already know that but it bears repeating, maybe because I have to repeat it to myself so much. (((hugs)))
“I hate the feeling of being defenseless against my own emotions.” This is some of your best writing ever. Your explanation of not “hating” the emotions, except that you are hating one particular set of feelings — helplessness, or a loss of control, or something like that. I am still sorting out all you’ve said here in the context of my own life. Thanks for sharing on this deep level. And for what it is worth, Wonder Woman is easily the first superhero that comes to mind when I think of you. (Only because Word Girl is not a proper superhero.)